#erukana #clarabel/journal #erukanapc

The light filters through the Suntree's canopy differently today, casting patterns that shift and dance like the thoughts in my mind. I find myself returning again and again to that moment in the altar room - the apparition, the rejection, the shattering of everything I thought I knew about divine will.

I find myself wondering, why?

Part of me burns to know. Was it truly Bahamut who appeared to me in that cursed place, only to shake his head in denial? Or was it something else entirely - a manifestation of my own doubt, perhaps? A test I failed... or passed in ways I don't yet understand?

The scholar in me, trained in the disciplines of faith and doctrine, craves that knowledge. What exactly transpired in those ruins? What forces were at work? Why did he appear only to deny me when I sought to channel his power for righteous purpose?

But the predator in me, the part that Mielikki has awakened, whispers that it doesn't matter. That seeking validation from the very force I rejected is a trap.

Would knowing change what I've become? Would it alter the path I've chosen?

I have always believed that the gods wants to grant us self-determination, that we are in control of our own destiny. That the gods of good wants us to have our freedom. Yet even now as my eyes have been opened to the truth behind that illusion, that they do not really want us to be free, why do I still feel this ache? This need to understand what that rejection meant?

Perhaps the real question isn't what happened in the North, but why I still care. I thought i had broken free of the divine chain, but am I truly free if I'm still seeking answers from gods I've forsaken? Or is seeking truth, regardless of the source, part of what makes me ... me?

Mielikki shows me visions of natural cycles in my meditations - death feeding life, storms clearing stagnant air, predators maintaining the delicate balance. Maybe that moment of rejection was just another natural force, clearing away what needed to die so something new could grow.

But yes... if the opportunity arose to learn the truth, I would take it.

Not because I need Bahamut's approval, but because understanding the forces that shaped my transformation might help me guide others through their own dark nights of the soul.

After all, how can I heal Bjørn's corruption if I don't fully understand my own metamorphosis?

• C.L.